Therapy and Healing

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Cody and I went to therapy on friday to talk about all the things we either weren’t talking about or had miscommunications about. It helped for sure. We have a check up session in two 2 weeks. We also had amazing sex last night at my parents house in my bedroom. It brought back a lot of memories of when we were first together. Tomorrow marks a year of us meeting and then the 18th is when he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are trading gifts, but Cody hasn’t gotten his yet. I already have one of the two that I’m giving him. We also were going to get matching tattoo’s with our initial’s in the tattoo, like the one I got with my sister, but at the moment money is really tight, so we are putting that off until the end of the month or beginning of next month when we have the money, so that’s a gift we are getting together.

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Tomorrow I have to take Emily and Luvas to the vet, which is going to cost a lot, and then I’m baby-sitting that afternoon into the evening,and Cody and I will trade our first gift tomorrow night, and then the other on the 18th. But things are turning around for Cody and me.

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Also we’ve figured out I am better at finances than he is, since that is where most of the stress has been coming from. He just isn’t as organized as I am so I got this app Wally, which is a great app, and have folders and am keeping everything organized. This month so far we’ve spent more than normal because of getting gifts and other finances (like parking tickets) and stuff. Overall living together in our own place was originally strange, but I think we are getting used to the place and getting used to our new routine and communicating a lot better lately which is really helping. Seriously glad things are turning around for us!

XOXO Anna

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Moving Forward

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Cody and I talked last night, like really talked. We haven’t gotten through all the things we want to talk about, but we have made huge progress! As long as we keep an open dialogue, are honest, and ready to talk, we will be fine.

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We even had passionate (amazing) sex last night. I communicated exactly what I wanted and he definitely delivered. Today we continued our conversation from last night and again, made progress! Cody opened up to me!! Like holy shit so happy. This showed him that he is capable of opening up, it just takes him a couple minutes to get there. I am just so proud of him for being able to do that. But I am very glad our communication is better and we are talking, and actually changing our behavior patterns that need changing to keep our relationship healthy and happy.

XOXO Anna

Communication is Key

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After I posted that vent yesterday and went home, Cody and I talked. We talked for a long time about everything. Honestly it was scary because it was a big talk and lots happened. I really don’t want to get into details about it, but let’s just say I think it was a wake up call for Cody.

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He did agree that he got complacent. He said he didn’t know what to do exactly to make me feel loved. I started giving him examples of the things I’ve done for him over the past nine months, i.e. the Ferrari, the christmas presents that he specifically asked for, the book I made him, getting his favorite candies spontaneously, and then of course…the big one…the promise ring.

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I told him I guess I didn’t realize how disappointed I was for Valentine’s day, because we had gone ring shopping a couple weeks prior so Cody could get an idea of engagement rings and just rings in general that I would like. After the promise ring I gave him he told me he was going to surprise me one random day with something special. That never happened if my memory is correct. He also hinted that, or implied, he was going to get me a ring for Valentine’s. On Valentine’s he told me at dinner he didn’t get me a ring because he didn’t have the money to get one. I told him that was fine, but I’ll be honest I was disappointed. I mean, here two weeks prior to Valentine’s I give him a promise ring with a speech, basically saying we promised to be honest, faithful, etc, stating in the end that we would get married one day. Promising each other that. Now, why did I do something so romantic and for *no reason at all?* (Cody if you’re reading this, know if you give me a ring it doesn’t have to be tied to something special) Well the reason behind it was to show Cody I was committed to him. I did the ring because:

  1. I love him
  2. I wanted to apologize for making him think I was going to leave him
  3. I wanted to assure him that I was never going to leave him
  4. It was romantic and sweet, and it made Cody happy. Happier than I’ve seen him for most things.
  5. It was spontaneous and loving and exciting and passionate

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I wanted to make Cody well aware that I was not going to leave him if he did screw up again. Giving Cody that ring was very special. It was a big moment for me. It meant I was committed, even though not engaged. Engagement is still at least a year away. That’s fine.  Commitment is what is important. Not important…essential for our relationship. Commitment is everything in a relationship, it really is the determining factor of whether two people will be together or give up. It meant I take our relationship seriously. It meant I see us as partners and equals. So when Cody hinted he was going to get me a ring and never got one, I guess I subconsciously took it as him not wanting to be that committed to me, or that I wasn’t deserving or that level of commitment, etc. Cody said that was not it. Which I know. But still, I felt that way.

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I have told Cody some things that he could do that would make me feel loved again. Honestly since that porn misstep, it’s been hard work to keep this relationship going. It’s also been hard feeling like I was the only one trying. I am not saying that’s bad, all relationships require constant work. Once effort stops the relationship essentially stops. I felt like after the misstep Cody kind of gave up because he felt he messed up so bad that nothing he did could make up for it, which in turn made me feel worse that he didn’t do anything.  I have worked hard to try and trust Cody again, and with some minor things that have happened since the misstep it makes it harder and harder to getting to the place where I completely trust him again. I guess I took Cody’s empty promises and words to mean that I should stay quiet about my needs and desires because even if I said them and he said he would do it, it wouldn’t happen. I guess I gave up in a way. I gave up trying to tell Cody what it is that I needed and wanted. I was honestly just trying to avoid as much disappointment as possible. I hate being disappointed, and I’m sure most people do, so I tried to avoid it.

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Cody and I made a new promise to each other: I will be honest about my feelings and needs and wants if he starts to put effort in to show me he loves me and pulls his weight with household chores. I think that is a really good start for us to work with, and from there we can keep going. I know my vent post could be taken as harsh, but honestly I think it just saved our relationship. I had no idea I was holding half of those emotions in until I vented yesterday. And how can people communicate if they are unaware of either the problem or why one is behaving in a certain way?

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I have hope again, which is a bit scary. I really don’t want to be let down again. I really don’t. But I have hope that our relationship is going to improve a lot because we talked yesterday. I do still fear that Cody’s words are empty, but I am doing my best to have faith in him and believe that his words actually mean something this time round.

XOXO Anna

I Hate Emotions

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Emotions are killing me right now. I feel like I’ve been hyper-sensitive. I probably have been. I sent Cody these two articles, 5 Ways to Be an Ally to Your Partner’s Eating Disorder Recovery (And Avoid Triggering Them) and Anorexia Nearly Killed My Wife, and that was on saturday…he still hasn’t read them and he is only reading them today because I am asking…again.

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Also Cody and I made a lot of progress two days ago when we were arguing, which has been the norm lately. We realized that I have been shutting him out and he hasn’t felt as close. It’s true that I went into “take care of yourself mode”. It happened after the porn incident.

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I usually go into that mode only after I’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone who was extremely important to me. For example, after Eric left me, I didn’t ask anyone for help, even when I was suicidal except for India-but she is my sister, so that’s different. It’s always been the pattern in my life that after someone leaves, or betrays me, I never go back to relying on them for anything. I tried to do that with Ethan, but he told me I couldn’t rely on him anymore, so I decided that I wouldn’t do that.

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Cody wants me to talk to him and for me to let him know what’s going on with me. He wants me to open up to him again, and trust him and all that. So since he has asked, that is what I’ve been doing. It’s been hard…like really hard at times, and easy at other times. But today it was hard. I did ask for him to read the articles and I was very hurt that he didn’t. He acknowledged that he said he would read the articles but didn’t and that he was sorry. That makes me feel better because at least he acknowledged that he did break his word- hence me not being able to really trust what he says he is going to do.

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But we are making progress. I am scared to do the whole rely on Cody again and open up, but I am doing it. I am letting him know if something comes up or if he says or does something that rubs me the wrong way. I feel bad though because I don’t want to hurt Cody when I tell him that something he did (or didn’t do) upset me. But the whole letting him in and being honest thing is better. I feel better. I feel like I am getting heard. I also at the same time sometimes feel selfish for expressing my opinions or something because I don’t know, was it selfish of me to want him- or expect him- to read those articles without me badgering him? I don’t know.

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Sometimes I don’t know what I’m allowed to ask for. Not that I’m not allowed, to that Cody makes me feel like that…it’s just that old people in my life made me feel like I was selfish if I asked for stuff I wanted, or if I expressed me thoughts or opinions that they were irrelevant or stupid. I still am working on myself and working on getting comfortable with standing up for myself and what I want and need from a person, and also balance that with their wants and needs.

XOXO Anna

Communication

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Cody and I talked and he thought I was focusing on the marriage instead of the relationship. I am focusing on our relationship, but I want to be prepared for whatever can happen in the future. I like knowing what pitfalls to avoid. I like having the best possible chance at having a successful relationship and once I explained that he understood.

XOXO Anna

Broken Glass and Cuts

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Last night Cody and I got into an argument and there was miscommunication. I was drunk, and he came in and we were arguing and I told him to leave me. I meant he should leave me as in the relationship. I said leave, leave me, go play video games, leave. Stuff like that. He eventually left and I thought that meant he left. I mean he slammed the door and walked out of the bathroom. He thought I meant leave me to calm down and we would talk later. I smashed the beer bottle in the shower and I slammed the glass door and my hand went through the door. Cody came to see what happened and my hand and wrist were cut up. We went downstairs and my dad helped me wrap and clean the cuts.

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We are fine just we both didn’t understand each other at that moment. I know throwing a beer bottle and smashing a door wasn’t the way to handle me being upset, but I was drunk. Stupidity on my part. See, Cody and I made an agreement that if we were in an argument we wouldn’t walk out on each other in the middle of it. He walked out. I assumed that meant that he was going to leave me. That thought didn’t even cross his mind.

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But I have class later today. Actually I have to catch the train pretty soon. I am excited though! Cody and I are going to be relaxing tonight. I won’t be getting home until later. I hate the commute into the city, it’s a drag.

XOXO Anna

Waiting, Conversations, and Family Dinner Tonight

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Cody had a great interview with my parents company and he is starting off by going in on his off days from his other job, and once the company figures out exactly what is needed to be done, then Cody if the trial part goes well, will be working for them!

I am still waiting to hear back about my job application. The waiting is annoying. But Cody found two really cool apartment complex’s in perfect locations. If we both get the jobs then we will move out!

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Last night Cody and I talked. I will be honest, these past couple weeks I knew something was up with Cody, and I was worried it was me, but it wasn’t. Cody was just super stressed about his job, and the fact that he could be working for my parents has changed his mood completely! Cody and I were both honest with each other and we were both glad we talked.

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My mom just informed me that we are having a family dinner tonight at seven with our close family friends, who I really want Cody to meet! But tonight is a dinner with just the family, and we are going to tell them about my sister running away. I am really not looking forward to this dinner because last time I went out with them was right when I met Cody actually, and I ended up crying at the restaurant because of the conversation topic and how heated it got. So I am a bit nervous about dinner tonight…Hoping all goes well.

XOXO Anna