Triggers During Pregnancy

I was extremely worried when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared that my anorexia (ED) would take over. If you’ve read my posts, you know I refer to my anorexia as ED. I still get ED attacks every so often. Not as often as I used to when I was really sick, but still when they happen they can be extreme. I had hot chocolate for the first time in…. maybe a year the other day. I absolutely had an ED attack. ED was telling me that because I drank hot chocolate I was going to be fat, so I had to eat salads for the rest of pregnancy. I know, it sounds crazy, even as I typed it. But when ED attacked, the scary thing is it seemed logical, rational. Luckily, Cody was there and calmed me down and grounded me and we talked through the irrational thought. I challenged myself by making sure I had hot chocolate again the next day, and also today, to de-stigmatize it. I still feel guilty that I drank it, but not horrible about myself.

Another trigger has been getting the classic pregnancy round stomach. There are days where I am happy about it, and I’ll  rub my stomach and talk to our unborn son, but there are days, when I feel so crappy about my body I don’t want Cody to see me. For the most part, I think I’ve been doing an amazing job with eating when I am hungry and doing my best to stay healthy. On the other hand, I feel guilty whenever I don’t eat a balanced meal.

I am nervous about post pregnancy and dealing with my body. I know that will be a challenge, but I am hoping that I can overcome it. I am taking one day at a time, and reminding myself that I have to nourish myself so our son can be healthy.

XOXO Anna

Body Image and Pregnancy

I have found it increasingly difficult to accept that my body is changing. I have struggled with anorexia for too many years, and now that I am pregnant, I am terrified about my body. I know I’ve gained weight and it’s probably just water retention or baby getting bigger or my boobs getting bigger and I know that I have to gain weight to have a successful pregnancy. But until there is a baby bump, I just feel fat. I don’t like these changes but know that it’s all for baby to be healthy.

It’s hard eating when you get nauseous at your favorite foods, especially when you’re already a picky eater. I just feel like I’m failing to eat enough due to food aversions and nausea and I feel terrible about it. Part of me doesn’t like the not eating because it reminds me of the days I used to restrict food.

I really want to have a healthy baby, and I know that eating right is part of that. I just hope that I can get enough food in for baby and me to be healthy.

XOXO Anna

Finals are Over! Education Still On the Brain…

I am so happy that finals are over! No more stress, finally. Cody and I are also doing really well since last wednesday when we had a therapy session together. We were having issues with initiation of intimacy, and we solved it with if the candle is lit one of us is in the mood and open to the other person initiating. It’s solved a lot of our arguments.

Even though finals just happened, I am thinking about next semester already. I am even thinking further than next semester. I am really excited about school and my education, and yeah I am a nerd. I fully admit it and am proud. For the longest time I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with psychology. I love psychology, law, and law enforcement. So when talking to one of my professors earlier this semester about his study on jurors and then my mom suggesting watching Bull, I realized there was a whole field in psychology I didn’t know about. Trial science. I know it’s nothing like the show Bull, but from what my professor and articles online have explained, it seems very interesting. Something that I might want to pursue or look further into.

Treatment has been going well, and I have 3 weeks left before I discharge, which is really great. Center for Discovery definitely is an amazing treatment center for eating disorders. Much better than Renfrew in my experience. Tonight is family night, and Cody and my parents are coming. Also, my relationship with my mom has improved ten fold because of the family sessions we’ve been having. It’s nice, especially since Christmas is coming up.

Speaking of Christmas, I got presents for my parents and Cody. I don’t have any for his family, and neither does he, so later this week we have to go do that. Christmas is a great time of year but also extremely stressful the week of. So many people are rushing around shopping, driving recklessly, and so set on getting everything on their list. I know that I haven’t gotten everything I wished I could have gotten for everyone but I am doing my best not to stress about it. In reality Christmas should be about spending time with those you love more than the gifts. I know that I got Cody things he wanted, and I got my mom something she wanted, and got my dad something that I personally think he would like, but I didn’t shower them in a million gifts. It will just be nice to have Christmas morning with all of them and have a nice family breakfast.

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season!

XOXO Anna

 

The Flu, School, and Treatment

I woke up this morning coughing with a runny nose and lots of nausea. I am supposed to have my treatment assessment on wednesday. I am really nervous for that. I really hate that I have been restricting. I have been eating slightly more normally but still  the anxiety is crazy.

I can’t believe this semester has been so crazy. I was doing amazing in the beginning then I was sick, and also restricting, and then I am looking into treatment then I possibly get the flu and will be starting treatment soon while being in school. I’ve never been in school and in treatment at the same time so a bit nervous. My grades already got hurt from my absences. I just hope I get through this semester without getting bad grades.

XOXO Anna

Relapse?

I haven’t posted in a while due to the crazy amount of things going on. Cody’s Facebook post has caused insane amounts of blacklash as I mentioned. Cody feels like he fucked everything up. I have been verbally put down (not to my face) by 8 people. His sister and brother have said negative things, along with 3-4 friends. Then this past weekend both his parents accused me of writing and posting his post! His dad said I’m asking too much from him. I was so hurt and felt so betrayed. How could they think so lowly of me? It makes no sense. Anyways, I’m going to post this letter I’ve written to read to them.

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(I plan to say this and wait for their response)

Im in more pain than anyone should be. I love Cody and want to marry him, but all of you are making me feel like i should leave.

(Then after I will tell them I want to explain my side)

Cody lied and cheated on me for 365+ days and i stay. I think that says alot about how much i care and love him. When i met him i told him that the only two things i ask kf a friend or a boyfriend is honesty ans trust. I told him i would rather have him be honest and hurt me than lie to me and humiliate me.

I told him before he asked me to be his girlfriend about my anorexia and the triggers that i could not have in a relationship. One of them being porn. I told him many times through out the relationship that if he didnt want to help me or deal with the anorexia that he could leave, and there would be no ill will.

During our relationship i caught him with saved naked images or instagram naked images for the first three months of the relationship and i cried and broke down and told him that it was hurting me and was hurting my recovery. He told me he hadnt done anything else. He told my multiple times that he got rid of porn instagram accounts and didnt. He lied and loed and manipulated me so he could keep his secret.

Last Christmas eve i found a porn site on his phone and i was destroyed because by this time he was earning my trust back, and all that was shattered. Then after that he again tried and was actually earning my trust back until a month later when i found more porn. This time i broke down so hard because the amount of betrayals was getting too much. He promised me i knew everything at that point and wouldnt do it again.

I stayed and helped him and he came to the realization that he had a real problem. We were getting better and then i see porn on his work computer. Porn on a computer at work where my parents are in the next room. I kept my cool because my dad walked in right after i found it. I searched through  little more history with Cody begging me not to go further. I went home and sobbed my eyes out. I felt devastated and worthless. This man i love has destroyed me more than i could have imagined.

Cody was very sweet when he came home. He had a bouquet of flowers and promised i knew everything and it wouldnt happen again.

The next day I couldnt fight off the feeling of not knowing everything. Cody was really anxious about me looking through the history so i decided to check the history. I looked at the history from the day he met me and i was horrified. The whole time he was lying and on porn sites behind my back. He had promised me i knew everything but i didn’t even know half of it.

That night Cody and i both broke down and he begged me to stay and i stayed. I was hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on for over a year, and i stayed. I stayed because i accelted he had an addiction and saw that he wanted to stop hurting himself and myself.

It has been rocky. Given that i gave him my all during this relationship and he has lied, we have come to an agreement on how to earn trust back. He needs to be in recovery and completely honest. Given the gas lighting i can check his phone so i know he isnt lying. Its been 5 months since i found out everything and i think we are doing pretty damn well.

I love Cody and would never want to hurt him. The things i ask of him are honesty, trust, respect, and for him to pull his half for chores and relationship responsability. If thats too much then i dont know what a relationship is, so please inform me.

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So that is my letter. I honestly am baffled at how they blame the lied to and cheated on instead of the liar. I love Cody and he has an addiction. Addictions make people different than the person they really are. Cody (without actively using) is an amazing loving person. Cody (when using) is selfish and self-centered. He is not the Cody I love. So when Cody was using during our WHOLE relationship and I found out, I was broken. I’m on RebootNation and it has been the most helpful supportive place. I’ve been able to express all my feelings about this situation and have been given a lot of support and kind words through this healing.

So with all that said, with all the hate, I have fallen back into my anorexia. All I ate yesterday were two chicken tenders and coffee. Some days I’ve had a little more, but not by much.

I’ve missed school, been depressed, and was suicidal sunday night. I love Cody and am SO proud of his post, but it’s brought up a lot and has had people attack me for no reason. My professors are very understanding, and encouraged me to seek treatment. I applied to a new treatment center and am waiting to hear back from them today.

XOXO Anna

Objectification, Porn, and Society

Cody and I have continued to make progress in our relationship and as individuals. I’ve seen a huge change in Cody since he gave up porn. He is happier, more motivated, engaged in life, and more loving and affectionate and less selfish. It’s only been three months since he has given up porn and the change has been great. I just started going to an eating disorder therapist so I can keep working on myself and how his addiction has impacted me, and I really am excited to work on myself and be able to heal from this.

I’ve been reading about porn and the harmful effects. I have finally been able to find a lot of articles on porn that are non religious. I do not believe porn is harmful because of a religion but because porn causes isolation and intimacy issues. I understand that porn is a topic that is controversial and people have strong opinions about the subject. In my opinion I believe porn is harmful and have been on the other end of a porn addicts addiction. I have been the one hurt by the porn and I have seen the man I love hurt by the porn.

I know most people believe porn is okay and normal because in our society today, porn has become a normal behavior. Sex sells in society and porn has amplified the affects on social media and the way women are presented in ads. I am sad to live in a society where objectification is a normal thing, where porn renders the men in our society incapable of having loving and intimate relationships, where porn feeds objectification and people start thinking that what they see on the screen is normal and perfectly okay. When there are controversial issues in society nothing changes unless people speak out about it. If people remain silent, then they are being complicit.

• Sexual Objectification:“is the act of treating a person as an instrument of sexual pleasure. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity.” – wikipedia

In my opinion porn is not a religious issue, but a moral issue. Most people value honesty, trust, respect, love, faithfulness, kindness, right? If you think of the way you want to be treated, does it match any of the words above? If yes, I agree with you, I would want those things too in any relationship in my life -whether it be romantic or not. Porn fuels ideas of objectification, degradation, and abuse. Cody had no idea he was mostly watching possible rapes. Cody didn’t realize that the women in those scenes most likely didn’t want to do some of those things and were possibly high to get through the scene. Cody didn’t realize that porn was equivalent to him being unfaithful. I know that when someone says “porn is cheating” there is a huge out roar against that statement.

I will break down, why in my opinion porn can be viewed as cheating. But first let’s define cheating, because most people accept society’s standard of cheating as being physically sexually unfaithful, but it can be much more than that. Below is a definition I believe in, and may not apply to everyone.

• Cheating: Going against, or disrespecting boundaries set by another person. Being secretive, or lying to your partner.

I.e. If a boyfriend says he is not okay with his girlfriend talking to her ex-boyfriend and hanging out with him, that is considered cheating within that relationship.

Cheating does not have to only be physical, it can be mental and/or emotional. Some people don’t realize that, and that can cause issues within relationships.

In my relationship with Cody, I told him when I met him that all I ask of someone new in my life is that they are honest and trustworthy because those are two things I value, and I’ve been lied to and betrayed in the past and I don’t put up with that. I rather a person be honest and hurt my feelings than lie to me. If a person tells me the truth I will not get mad, but be glad they respected me enough to tell me. I also told him I could not have porn in my relationship because I struggle with anorexia and would relapse if that was in the relationship. Above I have set boundaries of what I am and am not okay with. Cody did the same for me with mentioning my ex’s and such.

I know that I have always wanted to have a monogamous relationship, meaning me and my partner are sexually exclusive (in real life and online). If my partner watched porn in the relationship I would not conducer that a monogamous relationship. Imagine you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you mentioned you were or weren’t okay with a behavior, and that person betrayed that. Would you not feel cheated? Would you not feel disrespected?

I know this post won’t really change anything, but I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t want to be silent. I posted about porn on my Facebook page and had guys shut me down on the subject, saying porn wasn’t an issue and such, and Cody stepped in and shot them down. The thing that most people don’t realize is porn is addictive, it can change your neural pathways and inhibit one from being able to have sex with a real person, and porn destroys much more than a romantic life. Porn can keep a person isolated, depressed, and can cause job loss if caught doing that at work. Porn has been compared to heroin in it’s addictive effects.

I’ll admit I am scared to post this because of how people reacted on Facebook, but then again, I am anonymous on this site, and this is exactly why. I want to be able to voice my opinion safely and respectfully. I am going to link an article I really enjoyed reading. I learned a lot more about the affects of porn aside from the addiction side of it.

The Social & Cultural Poverty of Pornography: When the New Narcotic Shapes Society

A video, by Laci Green, talks about sexual objectification, and her channel is amazing, and I admire the way she explains concepts, so check this video out if you want to hear more about objectification, since I on this blog that is anonymous cannot post a video about objectification.

SEX OBJECTS BS

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the post! I know I haven’t posted in a while but I finally had time today.

XOXO Anna

The Week From Hell

I don’t even know how to begin this post. Let’s start with last wednesday. I posted about Cody’s struggle to breathe. It started on wednesday and was nonstop all weekend, and today he still is struggling to breathe normally. We took him to an urgent care place on friday. He refused to go to the ER, and on saturday we wanted to, but his dad didn’t want him to go because he figured there wouldn’t really be specialty doctors to treat him if needed. On sunday I finally got Cody to the ER because his eyes were yellowish. I can’t go into detail about all this because it’s all a blur.

The emotional and mental stress was and is huge. Worrying non stop about your partner’s struggle to breathe, and when you’re partner says they can’t breathe and you have to calm them down, all while keeping it together and doing anything they need. I’ve definitely been restricting. Cody’s lost weight rapidly because he’s been too nervous to eat. I’ve done everything for him. Everything. Held his hand, stayed by his side, held him when he cried, reassured him when he was scared, raced in a car to get him to his dads, an urgent care facility, and the ER, help him with the inhaler they gave him, and much more. I am exhausted. Cody has felt slightly better today.

All Cody did was talk about cars while he was scared because it made him feel better and that’s fine, even when I tried talking about something else, and he cut me off and changed the topic. Today we were going to try and relax and have a good day until his doctors appointment tomorrow morning.

While at the ER, I was offended he didn’t put me down as an emergency contact because I’ve put him down as one of mine. I wrote a note in my phone about it and showed Cody because he asked and I told him to write a response back, and he didn’t. His dad was sitting next to us, and he was like, “Dad she is upset because I didn’t put her down as an emergency contact. Anna that’s stupid. Why are you upset over that? Because it means you’re less of family? Not as important?”

I felt utterly humiliated. I didn’t want his dad to know and that was just terrible. Cody threw me under the bus again later when we were out of the ER and I didn’t want to sleep at Cody’s dads house on a couch again with Cody. Cody told his dad, “Anna doesn’t want to stay here.” I felt humiliated. Of course I was willing to stay if that is what Cody needed, but I was being honest with Cody because he asked, and then told his dad. I feel like I’ve looked so bad to Cody’s dad over this weekend. That sucks because before all this, on friday his dad said that he is glad we are together and sees how good we are for each other and he thanked me for taking such good care of Cody through all this.

I know Cody isn’t feeling well, I get that, but does that mean that he gets to take it out on me? I just…I’ve already tried to heal from his secret porn addiction and help him in recovery, all while dying inside from the pain of betrayal. I’ve tried being as nice and comforting to him through his breathing struggles, dropping everything when he needed me. Maybe I am being selfish or but-hurt, but it sucks when the person you love doesn’t seem to respect you at times. It’s hard being the strong one. The one who takes care of the other person and does everything. Cody does stuff, but I just feel like the progress we had made has been set back because of how much he would snap at me and belittle me. Sorry for the vent.

It’s just in the car ride home today, I finally cracked and told him I was sick of hearing about cars and him changing the topic whenever I talked about anything that was important to me. I made a comment, jokingly, about how his brother was more attractive than he was (which his brother isn’t-totally not my type at all, even though they’re twins) and Cody called me an asshole and put me down again. I told him it was a joke and I was sorry for exploding about him talking about cars and stuff. He eventually said “Leave me, I don’t care.” That hurt. After everything I’ve done for him, he says he doesn’t care if I leave him. I know it was said in the heat of a moment, but my god, way to plunge a knife in my back – or should I say the heart.

XOXO Anna

Struggling to Breath

Yesterday was pretty intense. Cody was supposed to go to NYC with another employee to set up for my parents show in NYC. My phone, of course, was on silent, and I was asleep and missed 13 calls and a couple texts from Cody. When I woke up I immediately knew it had to be about his breathing and I called.

Cody was having another breathing panic attack. I haven’t mentioned that he sometimes struggles with breathing because it hasn’t been too much a problem, but as of late, it’s gotten more intense. The struggle to breath in causes him to panic and thus makes it even more hard to breathe. The employee dropped Cody off at the train station to come back home. I picked him up and I was so glad to see him. I was so scared when we were on the phone earlier that morning. He got in the car and started crying. I was so scared and happy that he was there and I just tried to comfort him the best I could.

Getting home I got him water and he napped and I canceled my therapy session to stay with him. We then went to my dentist, which Cody is terrified of, and Cody faced some of his fears. Also, the dentist asked if Cody and I were married, not just because of our rings, but because of the way we interact with each other. I was pretty flattered to have someone think that, and that hasn’t been the first time. Cody has a dentist appointment set up for them to take care of a filling that fell out. He also hasn’t seen a dentist in years because of his fear, so this is a huge step for him, and I’m really proud of him.

After the dentist we went home, rested for a bit, and made dinner together. I made progress because I cooked along side Cody instead of letting Cody take care of making dinner by himself. I made the pasta, warmed the sauce and helped out with the chicken. Helping with the chicken was huge for me because I’ve always been squeamish about how raw meat looks, but I was cutting some of the chicken as it was cooking to see if it was ready. I know it’s small, but to me it was a big step forward. My goal is that one day I will be able to make my own chicken without freaking out or getting grossed out. But the dinner we made was fantastic! I’ve never enjoyed food so much.

Cody and I had really had an amazing day yesterday, aside from the breathing scare. He also is going to see a doctor, my dads doctor, about his breathing and get a physical, since again Cody has not seen a doctor in years- another big step for him.

It’s been a crazy couple of months since finding out about Cody’s porn addiction, but we have made progress as individuals and as a couple and I’m really proud of that. I know that being with someone who struggles from an addiction can be hard but if you love the person they are then it’s worth staying and getting through the struggle. Cody told me that I made him feel so loved and safe yesterday and that made me so happy to hear. He told me he now knows what I mean when I say for him to show me he loves me.

Moving Forward

Cody has been making a lot of progress for the past two to three weeks. He has had epiphanies about his addiction, realized that his best friend struggles from the same addiction, realized he is recovering for himself too, we had amazing sex last night- sex where he did what he liked and wasn’t having sex with me like the way he has seen in porn, he took control and showed me he loved with passion and just let himself go and enjoy sex, which was a great moment for his recovery-and we’ve been getting along a lot better. We’ve been having a lot more fun together, and I am doing my best to stay on track with eating. We still, as a couple and as individuals, have a long way to go to be 100% better, but we’ve been making a lot of progress and I am really proud of that.

XOXO Anna

Last Week of Class

These past five weeks I have had barely any time to relax. I have been working on the papers for my summer class, and this is my last week. My final paper is due tomorrow, so I’ll be working on that tonight. This english class has been amazing though. I have learned so much and I really like the teacher.

Ed has also been ruling my head lately. I have had a lot of anorexia panic attacks these past two weeks, it’s exhausting. I am trying to stick to a meal plan I wrote out, and Cody is going to do it with me, but I am honestly terrified to do it. I know that if I eat balanced and exercise two times a week for 30 minutes on a treadmill I should be fine, but the irrational thoughts still are here.

XOXO Anna

Progress all around!

My summer english class has been very interesting. My first graded paper is due this week so I am a bit nervous, but the teacher and I spoke one day after class and he said that there was something there in my writing. I told him I used to be a dramatic writing and creative writing major and minor. He said that was it, he could see that I am creative, have good grammar, and know what I am doing. I was shocked because I have never really had any teacher tell me I am good at grammar.

Then this weekend with Cody was AMAZING. I mean, I am still in awe of how much progress he made, but also us as a couple made. Sex had been a issue for about two weeks. This weekend, well suddenly Cody wasn’t depressed any more and he wanted me. It was amazing to feel wanted. He also, when we hung out with his dad this weekend, told his dad about his porn addiction. I mean, we were sitting down at lunch with his dad, talking about  his parents divorce, and then he told his dad the reason we had been having issues in Ohio was because I had found out he was a porn addict. We explained how I have anorexia and how I told him that couldn’t be a part of the relationship from the beginning, and how he hid it from me until I found out like two months ago. His dad did not judge either of us. In fact I felt like his dad respected me more because I stayed and have been helping him get through this. But the progress we made is amazing. Personally I am really struggling with my anorexia, Ed keeps telling me I am not skinny enough, so that sucks, but I am getting through it.

Over all things are turning around!

XOXO Anna

Anorexia Progress!!

Today I made huge steps forward in my recovery all around. Not only did I see progress with my anorexia but also progress in healing from Cody’s addiction. Today my mood was up and I finally got around to doing all the chores that are my responsibility in the relationship. I felt really good about that. Because since I found out I have been depressed and unable to do the simplest of things, yet today I ran errands, did the chores, cleaned, etc. It felt good to go back to a routine that I know. Then I went to my parents house to finish up laundry because at our apartment complex the laundry costs $3.00 and we don’t have money to spare and that’s expensive for laundry. I was looking for loose change around the house and I looked in my parents room and opened a drawer and found a safety pin. For those who don’t know, I used to cut with safety pins, so finding one was interesting. I wanted to take it, but I put it back in the drawer and closed it and walked away. Then I saw that my parents got a new scale, one that is glass and fancy and I was curious if it worked so I put some pressure down and it did. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get on the scale but I did anyways, and when I saw the number I didn’t get freaked out. It seemed to have no affect on me. I used to be controlled by that number. Now, my thought process is, “Oh that’s not bad, that’s normal.” I’ve never been able to think that before. Back when I was in my anorexia the number I saw today would have been horrifying, but I’ve been higher than the number I was today when I was in treatment, but today the number was nothing to me. So I am proud of myself for not defining myself by a stupid number. I define myself by my personality and my interests.

XOXO Anna

One Month

Today marks one month of Cody being honest with me about his addiction. He has done really well with calling me if he feels an uncomfortable emotion, and notifying me of when he gets to work and leaves. I’m proud of him for the progress he has made.

At the same time of me being proud, I also wonder about how serious he takes all this. We had a fight and talk last night of him not being able to take anything in his life seriously. I had gotten fed up with Cody because he wasn’t getting what I was talking about and I broke down and he got upset, and I told him everything he probably didn’t want to hear. He has lived in denial about his childhood. His parents divorced when he was about 11. He claims he had the best childhood with loving parents and made it seem like a perfect dream. Yet of course, I knew better than to believe that when we first had that conversation within the first month of our relationship, but I wasn’t going to burst his bubble. Instead, I would bring up that topic from time to time and ask how the divorce affected him. There are other personal details about his parents that I won’t reveal out of respect but there was a lot of…not the best environment to be growing up in.

So last night I was done with him living in a fantasy world. I gave him tough love and spelled out exactly how the divorce and other not healthy situations must have made him feel as a child. No child wants an unstable living environment growing up. No child wants to be the messenger boy between parents. I got him to realize that he needs to look at his childhood more. He has always mentioned 4th grade when talking about his childhood, which is when his parents divorced. That is when he noticed or remembers that he stopped doing homework and became lazy.

Cody came to the conclusion that he is lazy and doesn’t put effort into every area of his life because he doesn’t care about himself he said. That was very sad and powerful to hear. I know that I came to the realization that my childhood wasn’t perfect and I saw my parents as people instead of heroes on a pedestal years ago, so Cody is catching up with that. With my own addictions (anorexia, self-harm, drinking) I relayed I didn’t care about myself, or if I did, it was so minimally. But through my recovery I’ve learned to really appreciate myself, and love parts of myself. I am no where near close to fully loving and accepting every part of me, but I’ve made a lot of progress through the years. Now it’s time for Cody to embark on his own journey of self-discovery, with a therapist to help him.

This whole conversation happened because he didn’t work on recovery yesterday which was a huge disappointment to me. He didn’t make an account on Rebootnation, which is helpful, and he didn’t finish watching this video I sent him about porn and how bad it is from an ex-porn star Shelley Lubben. It was a very powerful video to watch, and I will link it here. It’s really worth the watch, it really opened my eyes up to some things I didn’t even know. We also didn’t have sex either which was mentioned that it might happen. Cody got in the shower alone after parkour…earlier that day we discussed we would relax when he gets home from parkour, then shower together and get in the mood, so there wasn’t even a chance for me to fight for us to have intimacy yesterday. Though he just messaged me and said he just made an account, so I am proud he took that step forward.

XOXO Anna

Why Can’t I Be Barbie?

So I am triggered while writing this. Not PTSD from the sexual trauma’s but PTSD like reactions to Cody and me and sex. This article will explain what I mean by the trauma.

So Cody was turned on when we woke up and were cuddling. I was shocked because I was so busy giving our cat Luvas attention. Cody preceded to make out with me and stuff, and we had sex. Of course I’m on my period, day 4, and I was still worried about sex. Not because I am freaked by the blood, but because it means I’m human, and porn girls, well they’re not exactly human. There’s an illusion of perfection. They are flawless, perfect, which by definition is inhuman. So I am still hating the fact that I am human.

Anyways, we were having nice sex, and Cody of course pulled out a couple times because it was too good, and there was one time were I was about to cum and he pulled out and he kinda half way came. He grabbed tissues to clean up and saw t hat obviously there was a bit of blood and was obviously freaked a bit by it and I instantly felt like crap. I told him that sex was over. I honestly didn’t want to deal with rejection. If he half way came and was freaked by blood I rather be stuck with about to cum and end it rather than try again and have him not be hard, thus me feeling rejected and like crap even more.

I already feel obnoxiously self-conscious since I found out, and super sensitive about sex and me being naked and more so about eating, but I’ve kept Ed from controlling me as much as possible. I already, for my whole life, felt the pressure to be perfect. Now I feel, again, that I have to be perfect, except this time it’s more intense. At least in the past if I wasn’t physically perfect, or perfect in any way there wasn’t too much of a consequence because I never had a boyfriend or anyone besides my family that I would let down.

Now I feel like if I’m not perfect I’ll be a trigger for Cody to go back to his addiction. I feel like I’m not good enough, and that I will never be because I am human. I can never be a porn star unless I waste hours of my day working on my looks. Taking an hour to do make up, and hour to do hair, and find the perfect clothes, and be the perfect trophy girl. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve always been the trophy girl to whatever boyfriend I had. I was perfect. Cody has told me he doesn’t want a trophy girl and is glad that I have substance and am not just my looks. Yet his addiction makes me feel otherwise. With Cody, it’s true I haven’t put effort into being the trophy girl only because he made me feel like I was more than just arm candy. Yet again the addiction makes me think if I fucking tried to be the trophy girl this whole time it would have been different, which I know is completely irrational because it’s an addiction. I rationally know it’s about him and has nothing to do with me, but with my anorexia and Ed shiting on me it’s hard to see that.

Point being I grew up with all my girl “friends” dressing me up, doing my hair, doing my make up, making me feel like barbie, especially because I had blonde hair. I was treated like Barbie for years and hated it, and now ironically that’s all I want. Porn… you evil mistress… you’re perfect. You have no flaws. Yet all normal girls do and we can’t compete. It’s impossible to compete. I mean, I could hire Serena to do my hair and makeup every day and pay her, because honestly she would fucking love that. I could do the whole getting my hair and make up done, and find the right clothes. But even with that I’m not the perfect porn girl. Porn girls do anything and everything for the guy with no needs or opinions or feelings of their own. Their sole existence is to please the guy. I can be submissive at times, but I’m not that submissive. I have a fiery, spunky, personality and don’t take shit. I fucking call people out when they’re ignorant or wrong, and I stand up for myself and don’t let people walk all over me anymore. But that’s not what porn girls are. So porn girls are the complete opposite of my personality so that’s another reason I can never be that.

Sorry for ranting but I needed to vent and get this out. Honestly, because I haven’t found much support for partners of porn addicts, this blog is the only place I’ve been able to talk about it, vent, try to heal,and so on.

Anyways thanks for reading my stupid emotional roller coaster of healing or trying to heal…

XOXO Anna

More Progress! Getting Impressed!

Last night we went to SAA and I was extremely uncomfortable for the first twenty minutes. I could feel my body completely tense and anxious. But honestly by the end of the meeting I felt myself relating to the things some of them shared, about their feelings, about how they wished to stay open and honest with their wives and so much more. They told us the Saturday meetings had more people, and people in recovery with a lot more sobriety. We are going to go to a saturday meeting, or maybe just Cody will, and I really hope Cody finds some people he can talk to, and hopefully, even a sponsor if he chooses that.

Before we went to SAA last night Cody emailed a therapist! I was so freaking proud of him. He wrote the email, and sent it. Later that night the therapist replied that she wasn’t taking any new clients but referred him to another therapist in the building who knew about addiction. So I asked Cody to copy and paste the email he sent to the first therapist and send it to the recommended one today… so fingers crossed he does it/doesn’t forget!

Cody is making so much progress with his recovery, and I feel stuck in mine. I’ve moved forward since I first found out. I’ve even mentioned key moments where Cody has showed me he is trustworthy, and has earned a small bit of trust back, and has given me faith and hope that he can do this. He has shown me in small moments through out this month he is serious, is being honest, and is recovering.

For me, I’ve made progress by being able to now get off in the shower, which was something I couldn’t do because that’s where Cody would do it behind my back in the early morning. So that was a huge step forward for me. I keep getting stuck on the being “human” or “imperfect” thing. I am really feeling down because I got my period the other day which reminded me that in porn girls never get their period. Just another way I “suck” and can’t compete, at least that’s the emotional part of my brain, or even Ed talking to me. Yesterday Cody and I didn’t have sex. I kinda sadly wanted to, but I didn’t mention it because I really don’t want to get rejected. I still feel totally vulnerable and very scared around sex.

For me, now I am constantly in my head thinking about how imperfect I am, or if what I’m doing is porn-like, or if it’s good enough, or if I’m sexy enough, etc. It’s draining to think like that. I logically know that I…am better than porn. And damn that sentence was really hard to write, because part of me still thinks I’m not… but anyways! I give Cody a lot more than some girl on a screen, right? I can give him support, cheer him on, love him, comfort him, be his best friend, etc… I’m sure there’s more…

I mean, there are times when I think back to what happened and the times he did all that behind my back and sometimes, sometimes, I don’t feel the pain, and other times it consumes me. I’m obviously still working through the stages of grief… But I’m getting through it slowly. The main thing I need to focus on is rebuilding my own confidence, inside and outside of the bedroom. My confidence has been stomped on with the discovery of Cody’s porn addiction. Suddenly everything I thought was real or true just isn’t. There are obviously things that I realize are true, but then there are things that I am still working on in that manner.

Ed is loving this, he wants to feed off of this situation and I’ve been doing my best to not let Ed take over. He wants to tell me I’m not good enough and I never will be. He has told me that, even before I knew all this, those were my daily thoughts, but since finding out Ed has been laughing at me because he tells me he was right the whole time and Cody doing that proves that I am not good enough in any way. Of course, I am doing my best to fight off the irrational thoughts.

Another thing is I haven’t found much support for partners of sex and porn addicts… Most sites I find for sex and porn addicts are connected to religion, which I think is stupid. I am not religious and I do not believe that sex and porn addiction be strictly tied with religion. I don’t believe porn is wrong because “God” says it is. I believe porn is wrong because it harms human beings. It is harmful to those being filmed, it is harmful to the people who watch it, and it is harmful to the partners. That’s why I believe it’s wrong. I even, finally, found a website that is against porn that is not religious!

Fight The New Drug is the site, and there is a lot of GREAT information. Check it out if you’re a partner or an addict yourself.

But anyways, just trying to stay strong through all this!

XOXO Anna

Wedding and Re-Promise Proposal

We went to Ohio this past weekend for Cody’s cousins wedding. She is 21, so a year younger than us. Her story of meeting her fiancé was crazy. She hated dating sites and she lost a bet and made a Tinder account and within ten minutes of making it her fiancé was her first match! I never thought Tinder would work, but I just saw a wedding that proves that Tinder might actually have hope for finding a real relationship haha.

Anyways Cody and I really had a wonderful weekend. We made a lot of progress with communication, respect, and compromising. Then last night we got back and I was tired and Ed (my anorexia) got the better of me and I freaked out after I ate about my body and not being good enough and stuff. Cody got frustrated because he felt I would never feel good enough for him because of his porn addiction. He told me to sit on the couch and stay there.

He came back and got down on one knee and kinda pre-proposed. It was the most adorable thing in the world. First off, he held the wrong hand as he started to pre-propose, and I told him and he grabbed my left hand and started over again, and was like, “Shit I don’t know what I’m doing.” It was adorable how nervous he was. He basically in the end said, “Anna, will you marry me when I’m ready, meaning once I feel like I am over my addiction or feel like I won’t relapse, and have the money for a real ring?” I was kinda speechless because I wasn’t sure if he was just fucking with me.

It took me the rest of the night to process it, but he basically wanted to redo our promise to each other now that everything was out in the open, and he wanted to know that I would marry him after all this. I guess he doubted that I would say yes still, but that was cute. I love him so much, and I still can’t get over how cute he was. He was ridiculously nervous and was that cute awkward when he was down on one knee trying to pre-propose “correctly” but I will cherish that memory forever.

Cody and I have made a lot of improvements this past month. This weekend accelerated our progress, and Cody has earned a bit of trust back. We were in a book store and there were a bunch of sex position books and there were ones that were pornographic with real couples and there was some with drawings. I handed Cody the one with the drawings, and then he turned the page and saw a real couple and slammed the book shut and literally threw it down on the book shelf. He looked so shocked and uneasy. I could tell that his reaction was real and he didn’t just shut the book and put it down because of me and the porn thing. He did it because he didn’t want to see that stuff. He wanted to be sober and in recovery. That is why he has earned some trust back. I am very proud of him, and I felt bad because I had handed him that book thinking it was just drawings… but he handled the situation so well. Cody has made me very proud of him these past few days and has given me faith in him and earned some trust back.

XOXO Anna

Future and Stupid Feelings

I feel stupid. Well, if you’ve been reading my posts for the past week, you will knowhow stupid I feel by realizing Cody lied to me for a year about his porn addiction. I’m stupid right. Should have known…

But this morning we were talking about the two weddings we have to go to that were coming up. For me, even though I didn’t care about Cody’s cousin, or the other wedding, the idea of going to a wedding (the first technical one I would be going to in my life) I liked it. I wanted to see what all that was about. I also liked fantasizing about Cody and I in the audience with all those warm and loving feelings thinking about when that would one day be us up there saying “I do” to each other. I thought that Cody might like to think of that too…but he doesn’t. He doesn’t think about the wedding we would have but more of the marriage with the house and kids and that stuff apparently.

I feel really stupid though. Every day I keep feeling more stupid. Cody said he doesn’t fantasize about us getting married, that he actually agrees with my dad and said that weddings are stupid and he doesn’t need one. My dad doesn’t believe in marriage, or the social concept of it. I’ve posted about his views before but couldn’t find the post. Anyways, he believes a piece of paper doesn’t define how much he loves someone and is committed. Cody has taken on my dad’s views… great.

I understand where my dad is coming from, and at some level I agree, but then…I stupidly do want a wedding someday…and I feel bad that I want one. I honestly can’t remember fantasizing about a wedding, ever, unless it was when I was like five and didn’t understand the concept of marriage. But once I realized what marriage and all that meant, I never fantasized about a wedding because I felt that I would never have one (because at that time no guys had liked me). In my mind I figured why think about something you’ll never have if it’s going to depress you. Well…things changed when I met Cody.

Once Cody and I got more serious I did think about a long term future with him, I thought about marriage and all that and I did actually fantasize about a wedding. I even looked at wedding dresses at some point just to see what people wore because I know you wear a white dress, but since I made weddings something I never looked at or thought about I didn’t really know what kind of dress is good for a wedding. I feel stupid though.

Cody and I have talked about marriage before, many times, and we’ve agreed we would want a intimate wedding that was simple with only those closest to us. But Cody said that he wouldn’t want to spend more than we make in a month… if that were true then we should just go to City Hall like my parents did and get married there with one witness. Together Cody and I make about $2,400 a month, so I don’t really know anything about weddings but I’m sure that that might be a bit low to actually book a ballroom for the after party and the food, and the music, and the suit, and the dress, the rings, and all the other things I still don’t know about weddings. I know that by the time marriage would come around we might have a higher income, but still, it’s not going to be by too much I would assume. I’ve seen wedding dresses that range from $100-$2,000. The one thing I really always wanted for my wedding was to be wearing the perfect dress, have my hair and make up done and well just look perfect, and I know that’s partly my anorexia talking but…I just wanted to look and feel perfect and happy. And with my taste and style the dress I would want would be well more expensive…I don’t know, it’s stupid.

I am the type who likes to be practical, and I know it’s not practical to spend over $500 on a dress you will wear one time in your life, but I want the memory of being in a beautiful dress. I kinda feel stupid for even fantasizing about a wedding in the first place. I remember the first time I did fantasize about marrying Cody, I felt so guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be thinking about that because I don’t deserve something so nice. I don’t know. I have conflicted feelings about weddings and marriages, maybe because I haven’t actually explored my feelings about them, but instead just pushed them all away so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. And through all the struggles we’ve been through I still (stupidly? irrationally?) want to marry Cody. Am I crazy?

XOXO Anna

 

Cody’s Recovery…Day 6

It’s been one hell of a roller coaster of emotions for both Cody and myself. I think I’ve cried about his porn addiction maybe three times since I’ve found out, not including the breakdown of finding out. When I say I’ve cried I don’t mean a full on cry more like me feeling the pain and some tears falling out and trying to talk to Cody about it.

That is something that has definitely improved though since we outed Richard (or Dick-Cody’s addiction). Our communication has been great. Cody has no trouble opening up to me anymore, and honestly we are on the same page so much that if I am thinking something he says it aloud and vice versa. It’s been kind of crazy how much we’ve been doing that since everything has been out in the open.

Today I am going into work at my parents office a little late so I can try to see how much I can tolerate before having too much anxiety take over due to separation. If you’ve read my blog, you will know I do somewhat suffer from separation anxiety, and with discovering Cody’s porn addiction, I have anxiety when he is in a different room than me if I realize I left his phone in that room.

It’s going to be a long journey to get to a place where I can trust Cody and know his addiction (Richard) will not come up and get in the way of our relationship. The one thing that sucks is that my anorexia (Ed) feeds off of Richard, no pun intended. Yesterday a porn account followed me on Instagram and it brought up a lot of old emotions, and then remembering that Cody had an addiction the whole time just made me in a very sad mood. Ed fed off of my pain and made me think that Cody never wanted me and only wants porn. Of course I told Cody and we talked and he helped me fight off Eds thoughts.

So it’s not only going to be a challenge for me to help Cody stay “sober” it will also take a lot of energy for me to fight off Ed and the irrational thoughts that he tells me. This morning for instance, as I write this, I can hear Ed whispering in the back of my head that if I don’t eat breakfast the anxiety will be less. That might be true, but I know I am hungry and plan on eating before I leave to go to the office.

I also didn’t lose my job! I am working two days this week, maybe more, not sure yet. I explained to the mom that a family member has an illness that we didn’t realize the extent of and that we’ve been having to take care of them. Because her own mother just passed, she was very understanding.

After work today Cody and I will go to his first AA meeting because there are no S-anon meetings around us except for one that is a 40 minute drive, which we agreed to do once a month on a day that worked. Cody told me is doesn’t want to go to the meeting later, not because he doesn’t want to get better, but more so of he is nervous and probably just doesn’t want to face his addiction. I told him that when I went to my first AA meeting I was terrified, and once I went I realized I wasn’t alone and found some really great people to talk to. I also found an Al-anon meeting for myself which is at 7:30 tonight and I am debating on going…but again, the anxiety of leaving Cody alone makes me hesitant.

If anyone who is reading this has any experience being the partner of an addict, in whatever form the addiction may be, can I ask, how did you get through it? I think back to when I really struggled with my anorexia and I think to now and how far I’ve come, but I didn’t have a partner during the worst of it. I remember my own recovery and see my recovery in Cody in the steps he has taken so far, which makes me proud. Then there are moments when I think about it, think about the fact that he lied for our whole relationship about this and it gets me really down. I fight off the sadness by reminding myself it’s an addiction, and addictions are hard to control and always secretive… I just… I guess I do need support or advice for myself…

XOXO Anna

Lies, Truth, Addiction, and a Plan

My last post revealed one of Cody’s lies… Well yesterday afternoon/evening I went through all of the search history since our relationship began…. Cody lied to me this whole time. I really don’t want to get into how many times he went to porn and stuff but when we first met, there was nothing really, and then a moderate amount in october, a lot in november and december. January was when I caught the suicide girls on his history and that’s when we had that break down. That’s when he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore…but he did… only a couple times, much less. April 18th I showed him that article, and that really changed a lot, and he had the half misstep that I mentioned in my post from yesterday.

It’s the lies that hurt the most. We both broke down yesterday. I mean a full on mental break down, Cody even had to be in the bathroom because he thought he was going to puke. But everything is out in the open, no more secrets.

Cody and I worked out a plan on how to handle this. No I am not leaving him, but that doesn’t mean if he doesn’t get his act together that I will stay. I’ve let him know what I am willing to deal with and what are official deal breakers with his addiction. He took a sick day at work. I already took monday off and was exhausted today, and had Cody come with me to babysit so he could drive because I was too tired and didn’t want to drive if I wasn’t at my best with a kid in the car. The mom wasn’t happy and now I don’t know if I have that job anymore…

Things are very stressful right now, but Cody and I are trying to stay strong, and he is getting help and starting recovery. One thing that made me see that he is ready is that when I showed him today a picture of a specific girl he looked up months and months ago, he told me later when we were discussing aspects of addiction, that seeing the picture triggered him. Also, with my anorexia I refer to it as Ed, a separate person from me. With Cody’s addiction we call him Dick. So Cody said that Dick was telling him that he should look at the girl and watch video’s but Cody fought off the thought. But the thing that matters is that Cody told me about it the second he realized he had that thought. He was honest for the first time and that gives me hope.

Anyways…praying that I don’t lose my job and that Cody stays honest and that things work out…

XOXO Anna

Tired and Want To Cry

I am so tired right now, I can’t focus, and I feel like I’m about to pass out. Luvas kept Cody and I up all night last night. We also moved into our apartment yesterday. Luvas was crying because he was in an unfamiliar place, and he was extremely cuddley and affectionate.

Also some stuff is going on with Cody. So if you’ve read my blog you know about his misstep or betrayal. Due to that, and wanting to rebuild trust and intimacy there are certain rules or understandings. If you read my post about his LARPing you will know some of those rules. So the other one is to tell me who he is hanging out with. There was this girl that was a friend of his friends. She friend requested him on Facebook. Cody and her barely know each other, besides in game(where they are characters) and so with my separation anxiety and Cody’s history I was annoyed that Cody didn’t tell me about this. More like hurt. If he had told me, there would have been no issues, I wouldn’t have thought too much of it, but it was the fact that I found out when checking his phone that was the trigger. It brought back all those memories from the past and feelings from the past. Our deal was total honesty and openness. Not omitting (which is a form of lying). I just …I can’t wrap my head around it. I think about it and make excuses for Cody to not have told me, but then I go back and realize there was no excuse. Then I’m hurt and mad.

Actions like these make me feel like I’m in this alone- that Cody doesn’t care to keep us moving forward from the misstep. And I’ve been making steps forward. The other week a porn thing came on with a show we watch and because of everything he usually turns his head away for those scenes, but this time he didn’t and I didn’t say anything. That was me trying to move past it but I eventually broke down and said I couldn’t handle it and needed more time. I also accepted he was going LARPing, which causes anxiety. Then the LARPing girl thing happened and it made me feel like I just was right to be worried.

If Cody didn’t have his history, if I was never with Monster who I really think was cheating on me during our long distance relationship, him going LARPing wouldn’t be an issue except for the missing him (which is normal). So yeah. I don’t know, I am so sleep deprived and cranky and upset right now. I can barely concentrate or think.

All I know is that I’ve shown Cody articles on how most couples rebuild trust and there are certain things we have done and moved on from, but then there are key things that Cody keeps tripping up on, meaning I start worrying and getting anxious again, and it’s like we are back to the beginning. Also Cody is the first person I’ve ever tried to rebuild trust with. I’ve never done this before. It’s incredibly challenging. In the past, before Cody, if someone fucked me over there was no going back from that. That person was either out of my life, or if they were in my life it was never the same. Ethan for example. If you’ve read my blog you will know that our friendship was forever changed when he asked if Monster really raped me. After that we were never as close. It was because only one of us cared. I cared and wanted to have that friendship, but Ethan obviously didn’t care. So I want to know Cody cares, and if he does he will follow through with that we decided on. That is very important. Keeping his word is key to healing. It builds trust and assurance and a sense of reliability.

Cody and I have been talking on the phone and I haven’t eaten at all today but he helped me distinguish that Ed was the one who didn’t want me to eat, and that I did want to eat. So I am happy he helped me with that. See, that, that act showed me he cares. That changed my mood by a lot. Even Cody being at our apartment right now to check on Luvas means something. Knowing that he is actually moving Luvas’s water and food into our bedroom and Luvas’s litter is something that makes me happy. I know it’s small and simple but it means everything. It shows me that Cody cares. He didn’t have to go home to check on Luvas during his lunch break, but I asked Cody to, and he did it. That is him keeping his word. That is an action that makes me feel like I can trust him. If he keeps that kind of stuff up we will be fine.

But I am hungry and I’m guna go get food.

XOXO Anna