Coming to terms with loss…

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep at all. Was up until 2 AM and from 1-2 I was on and off crying. So I didn’t go to my morning class…

I was mourning Eric and the loss of him as a friend. I am trying my best to understand what’s going on, and why he is acting the way he is…but I honestly can’t stand the idea of Eric hating me or being upset with me. It hurts me. It hurts because I am doing my best not to be angry or upset at him but in truth I am.

I am upset because I told him that the way the breakup and post breakup is handled will really be telling and will have an impact on whether or not we will remain friends. The fact that he hasn’t contacted me at all is upsetting. Not going to lie. It hurts like a bitch. Just because I have feelings of hurt or anger at Eric doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk to him.

I do want to talk to him, it’s just I don’t know when. Or how. I am terrified if I show up on his door step the second he sees me he will slam the door in my face. I also want my stuff back that’s still at his place. I want to talk to him, have a civil conversation. But I am so damn scared of him rejecting me as a human being that I am paralyzed with fear, unable to reach out to him and make that initial contact so we can maybe try to move forward with whatever is left, if there is anything left between us.

XOXO Anna

Grocery Shopping… an Anorexic’s nightmare

So today I went to Krogers to finally get food. I didn’t really mentally prepare myself for food shopping because I impulsively went after class.

I know that from my time in treatment that most of the girls have issues going food shopping and I hadn’t always had such an issue until I was the one who actually had to buy my own food.

I am sad to say that I got so nervous that I almost left before I even filled my shopping cart. I called my mom because I got so overwhelmed trying to figure out which was the healthiest brand.

Good news is I ended up buying all the foods I was out of and supposed to get, and I went home and made a delicious dinner. Just another step forward in my recovery.

XOXO Anna