Strong & Powerful you soar.
your high pitched scream
races through the wind,
as your shadow dances upon the field.
I look up, and see you, magnificent,
Commanding the skies above.
The distance between you
And me is…
Never Ending.
We live in two worlds
Separate, but
One.
You are unknown to me,
yet I admire you
living in the currents of the sky
while I am tethered here, on Earth.
——
XOXO Anna
That’s what I have thought about being for halloween for years. I never was one…and last night in group when we all went around sharing what we wanted to be for halloween and I said Skeleton, one of the therapists had this look on her face. Maybe it was sadness or amusement? I couldn’t tell, but yeah if you asked an anorexic girl what do you want to be for halloween and she responds a skeleton it’s kinda funny. I mean, of course I want to be a skeleton!
No, not really. I mean, I have always been intrigued by skeletons my whole life, and I just admire the shape and texture of bones. When I answered I wanted to be a skeleton for halloween I didn’t even think about the fact I was in an outpatient setting and they could take it the wrong way.
I do not want to be a skeleton. I am fine being average/hour glass figured. But for a halloween costume yeah, maybe being a skeleton would be fun- and simple! I don’t really want to spend too much money on fancy costumes. Plus a skeleton would be better than being what I was last year…which I am not going to disclose. But it wasn’t my best moment. So I plan to just be a skeleton for halloween because I enjoy the way a Skeleton looks.
XOXO Anna
So I had my outpatient group last night like I do every wednesday evening. I went in feeling not so great about my body image and since we went out to eat Pizza I left feeling pretty shitty about the way I looked.
Of course I woke up this morning and looked at my reflection and thought That’s better, but not perfect and it was stupid. I mean, no duh my stomach wasn’t going to feel okay right after I ate a pretty big meal- at least it was big for me. I still have to go through that period where I get used to eating a normal amount again, so I will be a bit bloated as I go through that process.
But because that makes me feel like I don’t look good, it makes me feel like I want to isolate and not let anyone see me- unless I look perfect. See the irrationality there? Not everyone looks perfect 24/7! I know that, I do, but it’s tough when an inner voice tells you you don’t look good and no guy would like you because you’re not skinny enough.
God the irrational voice of ED sucks. But still powering through it as best I can. I couldn’t get myself to eat a “real” breakfast so I ensured it. (For those who don’t know what Ensure is, it’s a nutrition shake that you have to drink if you can’t finish or don’t eat your meal.)
I also might go to another punk concert tonight, so I want to be able to feel confident in whatever I wear, so that is also making me nervous about eating a normal amount today…Though I might not go if none of my friends are going.
I am actually meeting one of the girls in group for lunch today, so that should go well. When I was in treatment my therapist said that lunch was key to my recovery, since I so easily could skip it. So I am trying to find a lunch buddy.
Also wanting to get back into exercise which is scary as shit! I used to be one of those who went quite overboard with exercising and also not eating and all that…so for me getting back into exercising is scary. I don’t want to get addicted again. I also have terrible anxiety about going to the gym. So I am also looking for a work out buddy who will make sure I stop after 30 minutes when I first start and then stop me after an hour once I can do 30 minutes without begging to do more.
Just trying to stay healthy and balance everything.
XOXO Anna
Undiscovered and Exposed 