It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted. I have gone through so much since I originally started this blog/journal. After 6+ years since meeting Cody, we have a 4 year old son and quite the history and story.
I am going on 28 years old and as this year comes to an end, I’ve reflected on many things, including how parents honestly miss the ball with their children in preparing them for real life – at least many parents of children from my generation.
Our parents weren’t emotionally open with us, they didn’t prepare us financially, they definitely didn’t prepare you for the realities of marriage and commitment. While I do see change now in how parents are raising their children, I do truly hope that we can all get behind the importance of emotional validation, and demonstrating healthy interrelational skills.
Cody and I promised each other we wouldn’t fall into the mistakes that our parents made – and while we have been doing well so far, we are of course far from perfect… because no one is perfect.
I wish my parents taught me the following 4 lessons… and I truly hope I teach my son the following:
All Feelings Are Valid
As I watched Sweet Magnolia’s and watched Annie crying over an incident with a crush, as an adult I was shocked that I even for a split second felt “it wasn’t so bad.” The truth is for Annie it is that bad. Her emotional reaction was 100% valid.
While as adults we all feel the pressures of the day to day grind and responsibilities, it doesn’t mean our children aren’t going through their own equivalent of stress, turmoil, heartache, and desire to relax.
I know every time my son is experiencing an emotion the first thing I do is name the emotion and tell him I understand why he is feeling that way before trying to help and support him in that experience. And boy that approach works. For a 4-year old, I think he has quite a good vocabulary of emotions. He is not the “traditional” boy getting raised with only knowing/experiencing 3 core emotions (happy, sad, mad).
Marriage Should Be Seen As An Investment
This may sound odd, but hear me out for a moment. As I reflected on all the challenges, the responsibilities… the realities… it dawned on me that I wish my parents had truly given me the idea that marriage -while yes can be romantic/loving – should also be viewed as a long-term investment.
Think about it… you are choosing a partner for life. Let that sink in.
For Life. Forever. (That is if you don’t believe in divorce)
Personally, while I am not religious, I do have a lot of similar values to Christians – one being that marriage is Until Death Do Us Part… (aside from abuse/infidelity)
And even with the issues Cody and I have gone through… and continue to face… I cannot just walk away. I really do honor my promises.
However, I also think that there is a level of unhealthiness in “Until death do us part” as it doesn’t account for the people out there that will harm and continue to harm their spouses behind closed doors.
Marriage is an investment.
The person you choose drastically impacts your ability to be successful and healthy in life.
No one taught me that.
It wasn’t until I saw, lived, and witnessed the impacts of the partner I chose to be with… how their choices impact my ability to make choices.
Given how COVID has impacted everything, and the financial ruin that has followed, now is even more important to truly consider your partner’s ability to be a life-partner, a teammate… a reliable, dependable person.
If you choose a partner without fully thinking it through, the consequences can be devastating…. from infidelity to abuse to financial ruin.
When looking for a partner, be mindful of the qualities that you are looking for, and the qualities that you need from another for them to be a teammate and real partner in life.
Your Reality Isn’t Their Reality – And That’s OK
I am not sure if I’ve talked about it on here, but it’s so important to acknowledge that you and your partner are different… in the way you think, view, and approach the world around you.
I often joke that I come to the world with an emotional & psychological perspective while my husband comes to the world through a logical & scientific perspective. You can see just how quickly communication could deteriorate if we didn’t know this about each other and keep it front and center in our minds when we communicate.
There was one time where our perspectives (and needs) were so different that when we each said, “I miss you” we meant two completely different things.
Approach communication (and your partner) with curiosity versus hostility.
Follow Your Dreams (With One Caveat)
While my parents grew up telling me to follow my dreams and do whatever I want in my career… they failed to mention the cost of living.
While they lived in a million dollar house in a wealthy area they failed to mention that not everyone (nor many) attain that.
They didn’t really prepare me for beyond high school. Their focus was getting me into college… so I studied, got good grades… and that got me… where?
While I love education and think it’s important, I wish my parents had been more practical as they supported me and my dreams.
I know this may sound nerdy, but I would have loved for them to go over basic financials with me.
You know, cost of living, how to balance a checkbook, how to invest, which careers are smart financially for my overall life goals.
While I have landed on my feet (thanks to my own resourcefulness and ambition) it was not (and is not) easy.
I never had any talks with them about careers in terms of salary. Just in terms of do I enjoy it. And don’t get me wrong, I think doing what you love should be the goal…as long as it also makes sense for your overall life goals.
I don’t think it’s smart to be ill-prepared for the area you desire to live in. The cost of living in our area is HIGH and it’s been a challenge to even be at what is considered “liveable.”
While my husband and I at times will struggle to pay for groceries and gas, my parents financials are 10x what we spend in one month.
Times have changed. Being financially independent, healthy, and successful takes a lot of thought, planning, and strategy these days.
Two parents both working 40 hour jobs doesn’t cut it anymore.
Most people I know have side hustles, or work multiple jobs.
My parents didn’t have any savings for us nor a retirement account for themselves.
My son already has a savings and investment account to his name for when he is older.
I plan to be able to teach him about his dreams and the realities of choosing his dreams and what that would mean in terms of places to live, the lifestyle one can have (and maintain).
I don’t want my son to be blindsided by the harsh realities of life.
Life can be wonderful, beautiful, and fully enjoyed with the right skills, thought, and resiliance.
What Lessons Did You Wish You Learned From Your Parents Growing Up?
Let’s hear from you!
I would love to hear what you wish you learned.
I also would love to hear what did you learn that enabled you to have a successful life (which is 100% defined by you – success is not the same for everyone)?
XOXO Anna